You Are Marge Simpson

You're a devoted family member who loves unconditionally. Sometimes, though, you dream about living a wild secret life! You will be remembered for: your good cooking and evading the police Your life philosophy: "You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Holy Hallmark Holidays Batman!

Valentine's Day is here again. If you think I'm going to write some mushy crap here about love you are sorely mistaken. Let's analyze Valentine's Day for what it is really about: SEX.

I used to volunteer for a public health clinic as an STD screener. Valentine's Day was one of our busiest times of the year. I guess people wanted to give their true love a clean bill of health before they let the pony out of the barn to go grazing in fertile pastures. Its sort of like before you go on a road trip, you take your car to the mechanic to make sure all of the hoses and belts are not too worn out from all the wear and tear, before you take the car out on the road.

How romantic is that? "Look honey, when we do the horizontal mambo tonight you don't have to worry about that case of syphillis I had...all taken care of now."

Now I heard all sorts of things when I was an STD counselor. Of course everything you say to your STD counselor is confidential so I will not repeat any of the stories. I consider myself to have a pretty open mind, but some of things people would tell me they did while engaging in coitus shocked the hell out of me. Before I worked at the clinic, I never even realized there were terms for these things, let alone clinical, sterile sounding terms that you might mistake for fancy cheese at the grocery store.

Working at the clinic I learned 2 very important facts:

1 - 30 - 35% of the population truly does have genital herpes

2 - In the realm of sex, I've just come to believe that it has all been done before. If you think you've come up with some new maneuver...Think again. It was probably thought up by some Cromagnon 15000 years ago. There is nothing new in the realm of sex...Trouble is...I don't know if that makes me want to laugh or cry.

Happy V-D Day!<--WARNING! POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE and X-RATED MATERIAL! IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT DON'T CLICK IT!

Quick Post

Unfortunately I don't have much to write about right now. Work has been keeping me incredibly busy and stressed.

I'm seeing results on my new eating regimen and workout regimen. I've dropped at least one pant size, which is a good thing but that should only be the beginning. I said I would post my workout tunes here sometime, so I figured I'd take a few minutes to post my workout mix that is currently on my I-Pod:

I Want to Break Free - Queen
Secret Love - Ian Van Dahl
Until You Love Me - 4Strings
These Words - Natasha Bedingfield
Blue - Eiffel65
Dragos Tea Din Tei - OZone
Saboteur - Amon Tobin
Magic Dance - David Bowie
We Belong - Pat Benatar
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Jan Wayne
I'd Do Anything for Love - Meatloaf
99 Luftbaloons - Nena
Believe - Ian Van Dahl
Secret Love - Ian Van Dahl

Worthy of being posted here. Take heed.

A Man's Man: The Guide to Being a Manly Man by Amputatoes

I had finished my usual morning repast of gravel and iron filings and was reaching over to a nearby fence to tear off a piece of barbed wire to use as dental floss when I realized something: I'm as manly as they come.

People often confuse being "a" man with being "the" man, but in reality the delineation couldn't be more clear. Being "the" man is a farce, a sham, a mockery of everything that is manhood. The fact that you have impressed your stoner friends by spooning wasabi paste into your ear may make you "the" man, but it certainly doesn't make you a man. It makes you a jackass, and significantly unworthy of talking to me.

You may wonder how exactly I became such a fierce and exacting paradigm of all that is manful. Let me assure you that manhood is not something you are born into, and can take a lifetime to fully realize. Having chest hair that is indistinguishable from steel wool and pectorals between which one might crush an infant's skull are pluses (and attributes I assure you I possess), but true manhood lies within.

If you too wish one day to walk abreast with the ranks of true men, then I think I may be able to help you. Allow me, if you will, to walk you through a typical day of mine, wherein I shall highlight each act whose purpose is to hone or otherwise maintain a crucial manlike attribute.
The morning begins at dawn, my one eye snapping open (as the other was already so) to greet the sun as it rises majestically over the distant hilltops. Already, if your morning experience differs from this in any way, you are a nancy boy and don't deserve your testicles. Real men always wake with the dawn, sleep with one eye open, and see hilltops in the distance. Hilltops are essential to manhood.

After waking, I leap energetically from my hammock and land with a reverberating thud on a hardwood floor. The thud is a personal touch of mine, and is strictly optional. The hammock, on the other hand, should not be compromised for any reason. Lumberjacks, woodsmen, and trappers all sleep in hammocks, and are all real men. I'll allow you the dignity of drawing the appropriate conclusion.

I've already described to you my breakfast habits, so I'll spare you the redundancy. After breakfast, however, it is time for washing up, and the details here should not be missed. Firstly, flossing is vital, but brushing is for babies. Only vocka should be used for mouthwash or, for true man's men, paint thinner. You may ask whether a person's breath could possibly be acceptable after such treatment, which bring to mind another important point. Many pretenders to the throne of manhood insist on wearing some kind of musk or cologne. Let me assure you that wearing either of these is more emasculating than a castration. Only ladies smell pleasant. Men should always smell like abrasive chemicals or, if possible, smoke. Generally, standing near or upon burning things is an excellent way of acquiring an adequately manly aroma.

As for bathing, let me insist that bathing is out of the question. As for showering, it is crucial that you equip yourself with a man-shower. That is to say, a shower of the following specifications. Firstly, the shower must have only two temperature settings: metal-liquifyingly hot or nitrogen-freezingly cold. Such temperature is crucial for building the two to four inch man-hide that should replace any skin on your person. Secondly, no gentle mountain trickle should flow from your shower head. Instead, be sure that your shower is pressurized well beyond what you are able to endure. To be sure your shower water bursts forth with adequate vigor, give your shower this test: tear a door from your car or truck, and hold said door beneath the shower. If the paint on the door peals or, better still, is ripped completely off, then your shower is sufficiently pressurized. Finally, no shampoo, conditioner, or bar soap should be present in your shower. Lye and Brillo are the only cleansing agents a man needs. Take heed.

Some final pointers follow. As a man, it is crucial that you kill at least three things daily using only a bow and arrow. They needn't be large things, but they must be animals.
Also, let me clear up the confusion regarding computers and men. Computers are fine, and can be extremely manly, if used properly. Computers, printers, mouses, keyboards, these are all acceptable. Any programs, however, are taboo, and should be avoided at all costs. Hardware is rough, burly, and rugged. Software is flimsy, feeble, and effeminate. Know the difference.

Finally, about the manliest hobby a man can adopt is fencing. I'm not talking about poking elongated toothpicks at men wearing giant condoms; I'm talking about building and erecting fences. Fencing things off is about as manly as it gets. I fence things off whenever I get the chance, whether they need it or not.

I hope these pointers are helpful, and can guide you on your quest for manhood. Remember, if at first you are unable to perform these activities, you needn't worry yourself. Not everyone can be like me. With time, however, you may yet reach a state approaching true manliness. Good luck, and Godspeed.
- Sam Tarakajian (Amputatoes)

An Ode to My Sister...

Smell...Bad!
Originally uploaded by lloydsm2004.

I think Labyrinth must have been one of my sister's favorite movies when we were growing up. She watched it over and over. So much so that now whenever I hear a certain song I always think of her.

That being said, I now am the proud owner of an I-Pod. I've downloaded many songs as they help me get through my morning and afternoon workouts. I could not honestly do 30 minutes on the Eliptical machine without music to do it by.

I've found some very good james to workout to. I'll post more about those later.

When I do my treadmill routine I have exactly 26 minutes of music before my finale song. Everyday I finish my routine to Magic Dance by David Bowie. I just pray that I NEVER EVER shake my groove thing while on the treadmill. I've been tempted several times, but always managed to stop myself before engaging in such a humiliating act.

For whatever reason when I hear this song I think of my sister immediately. So to you Sis, I dedicate this post with a big smile :P

You remind me of the baby
What baby? baby with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the baby

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do
My baby’s love had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dogs’ tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free

I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try
What could I do
My baby’s fun had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog’s tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Put that baby spell on me (ooh)

You remind me of the baby
What baby? the baby with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the baby

Dance magic, dance, ooh ooh ooh
Dance magic, dance magic, ooh ooh ooh
Dance magic

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog tails
Thunder or lightning
Something frightening

Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump)
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic
Slap that slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)
Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance)

I'm back!

Sorry for the long absence. I have been trying to adjust to my schedule after being back in school. On top of the fact, I have an enormous amount of work to do this time of year as I have to complete testing on all of my cases by March 15. It would be easy if everybody would get things in on time, but, no, alas, people wait until the very last frickin' minute and then the data they get me is total crap.