Holy Hallmark Holidays Batman!

Valentine's Day is here again. If you think I'm going to write some mushy crap here about love you are sorely mistaken. Let's analyze Valentine's Day for what it is really about: SEX.

I used to volunteer for a public health clinic as an STD screener. Valentine's Day was one of our busiest times of the year. I guess people wanted to give their true love a clean bill of health before they let the pony out of the barn to go grazing in fertile pastures. Its sort of like before you go on a road trip, you take your car to the mechanic to make sure all of the hoses and belts are not too worn out from all the wear and tear, before you take the car out on the road.

How romantic is that? "Look honey, when we do the horizontal mambo tonight you don't have to worry about that case of syphillis I had...all taken care of now."

Now I heard all sorts of things when I was an STD counselor. Of course everything you say to your STD counselor is confidential so I will not repeat any of the stories. I consider myself to have a pretty open mind, but some of things people would tell me they did while engaging in coitus shocked the hell out of me. Before I worked at the clinic, I never even realized there were terms for these things, let alone clinical, sterile sounding terms that you might mistake for fancy cheese at the grocery store.

Working at the clinic I learned 2 very important facts:

1 - 30 - 35% of the population truly does have genital herpes

2 - In the realm of sex, I've just come to believe that it has all been done before. If you think you've come up with some new maneuver...Think again. It was probably thought up by some Cromagnon 15000 years ago. There is nothing new in the realm of sex...Trouble is...I don't know if that makes me want to laugh or cry.

Happy V-D Day!<--WARNING! POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE and X-RATED MATERIAL! IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT DON'T CLICK IT!